Thursday thinking

I’m stood here with laptop in front of me and I’m pondering on what to post.

I’m currently off work due to back pain. So let me explain a little on how that feels and it affects me.

About 3  years ago I experienced my first bout of back pain, it absolutely floored me – literally! I was unable to stand, sit or move. I laid on the lounge floor one Sunday from 9 in the morning til the doctor could see me at 7pm to give me an injection to help the pain. I experienced muscle spasms which are absolutely terrifying, you feel unable to move for fear of inducing another one – probably one of the scariest things I have experienced in my life. Thankfully the pain meds the doctor prescribed helped me to get up to my bed that night and from there on I was able to recover over a period of weeks.

Since that episode I have been careful with my back and have made sure I don’t overdo it, use lumbar supports, I sit in the best posture I can but invariably once in a while I’ll get another episode.

This recent episode started in my neck, experiencing pain when I turned my head left or right and then travelled down to my lower back. To alleviate one period of pain I laid in the changing rooms at work on the bench and it took me 20 minutes to stand upright and I hobbled back to me desk. I re-did all the usual back exercises, visited my GP who prescribed me Naproxen and Codeine and tried to move about as often as I could to avoid my back seizing up again and getting worse. I also ordered a move ‘n’ sit cushion for my chair which would help with my core and posture whilst at my desk. All these things seemed to make some difference but the pain was still there.

Then one evening I had the most agonising shooting pain running down my right leg, no position I moved into could alleviate it, I was in excruciating pain so I made an appointment the next day to see the doctor. He believes it to be sciatica, the trapping of the sciatic nernve which runs from my buttock all the way down to my foot. I have permanent pins and needles in my right foot and calf plus also pins and needles in my right hand – the pain element is being kept under control to an extent with the Naproxen, Codeine and now Amitriptyline which sends me off to sleep for ages so I try to only take at night.

I can barely drive my car as lifting my right leg to brake is so painful, I would be no good if I had to emergency stop which is one of the reasons why my GP has signed me off work.

I feel pretty depressed with it all, the inability to go about normal duties, the fact that I can’t sit without pain, I’d love to be at the gym or swim but I can’t get there and I doubt i could do either exercise right now without more pain. I’m waiting for a physio appointment, and then a possible MRI scan to see where the problem lies.

So as well as taking the pain meds I am also on Citalopram which I was prescribed a while ago for anxiety – I’l get to discussing that in another post some time. So I guess the fact that the Citalopram is in my system already probably means I am actually dealing with this pain and stuff a lot better than if I wasn’t taking it, some comfort in knowing that I would probably be a lot more teary and fed up than I already am!

One of the sucky things with being signed off work is that you know there is a huge heap of stuff which you have to face when you go back. I would love more than anything to be able to feel normal again (whatever normal is) pain free I guess – then I could carry on with life and do stuff. I feel stuck, unable to progress right now and in the hands of sciatica who controls my every move.

I would love to sit and meditate  – I can’t sit for one so I will burn some incense and lay on my back which helps me to clear my mind of the pain chatter for a while. Do not underestimate the power of meditation – it is such a great healing tool.

Anyway, that is my current situation as I sit here typing. I think back pain triggers so many more ailments and illnesses due to it being so debilitating, is it mind over matter? Yes I probably think it is, so whilst I let the pain be treated with the meds, I will try and use meditation to help clear and focus the mind.

blue x



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